In honor of Mother's Day, here are 25 things I learned from my Mother. Mum, here's your alternative resume. Enjoy!
1. If you need to get something done, ask really nicely. If that doesn't work, make yourself such a living hell to deal with that people will do whatever you're asking of them so they won't have to interact with you further.
2. Shooting guns is fun.
3. There is nothing wrong with ABBA.
4. George was the best Beatle.
5. If you let public sector unions get out of hand, you may wind up with dead bodies going unburied.
6. Animals are way more awesome than humans. Humans kind of suck, actually.
7. Sometimes, the appropriate thing to do is tell someone to "Fuck off!"
8. You don't have to spend a lot to look good. You can find amazing stuff at the thrift shop.
9. Stay fit and healthy like Grandma. But don't cook like her.
(These are courgettes. My grandmother put them in almost everything. To this day, I hate them).
10. You're not better than anyone else. You may be better at things than someone else, but you're not better than them, and they're not better than you.
11. Being popular is much less important than most things.
12. Les Miserables is the best musical.
13. Tap dancing is a great way to burn calories, work out tension, do something artistic and make a ton of noise, all at the same time.
14. Cooking for your husband is a nice thing to do, not something reserved for submissive weaklings married to misogynists. However, remember to prick potatoes before baking them.
15. Everyone is going through some private hell. Remember that when you ask yourself why so-and-so is being such a dick.
16. It's perfectly acceptable to talk to birds, squirrels and other wildlife.
17. Bet to show. Not to win, nor to place.
18. Sometimes, a packet of M&Ms really is the answer to all your problems.
19. Always say "thank you for having me" when leaving a party.
20. You have more control over a stick-shift/manual car than an automatic.
21. Question authority. All of it.
22. You can ask as many times as you want, but the answer will still be "no."
23. Mascara is the most indispensible item of make-up.
24. Don't try to pet otters at the zoo. They're cute, but they bite.
25. Basic French. How to tap dance. How to drive. How to make oatmeal cookies.