Via DailyKos (and I'm including their images here, too):
So, ladies, you say you want a raise? How should you go about getting it?
First, you have to figure out how to compete with the guy in the next cubicle. After all, he went to a school almost as good as yours. His grades were nearly as good as yours, too. He works hard. In fact, most mornings, he's the second person in the office. You know this, because you're always first. He is young, ruggedly good looking, and he washes his balls with a manly but fresh sandalwood soap.
What to do?
Fortunately, the good folks at Women's Day and Summer's Eve have a few words of advice for you.
(No, this is not from the Onion. It is really from a full page ad in Women's Day)
What is the very first thing you should consider if you want a raise? What is the most important thing of all?
Yup, wash that vagina, and wash it good. Remember the sandalwood-scented balls. You don't want any, ahem, untoward odors to interfere with your chances, do you? What's that you say? You don't have an odor problem? You're clean, you bathe regularly, and you don't really need advice to use a product that "cleanses away odor-causing bacteria from the external vaginal area?" What are you, a barbarian? This is a raise you're talking about.
That was #1 on the "how to get a raise" list. What was last, least important? Well, after the "wash your vagina" advice, it must be something truly inconsequential, perhaps related to toenail hygeine with closed-toe shoes, right? Let's look:
Accomplishments? Who cares? You're a woman. Nobody wants to know about your accomplishments. No, what really matters is a great fresh cut flower smell from you-know-where.
I guess the people at Summer's Eve haven't read this indispensable item from The Atlantic, entitled "The End of Men." If they had, they'd realize that increasingly, the answer to the question: "Who's The Boss?" is, as on the show, "her," not "him." And setting aside that sexual harassment laws are really intended to, you know, prevent your boss from being in a position to assess your "personal hygiene," that kind of suggests that really, there's a pretty good chance these days that your boss, if you're a lady, wouldn't want to. Straight women don't tend to spend a lot of time thinking about their subordinates' hoo-has.
Oh wait, that wasn't the point. The point was that you're supposed to feel good about yourself as a professional woman laying out your self-worth to your boss in the hopes of more money, as opposed to, you know, laying yourself out, if you get my drift. Well, that's cool, because usually, modern women assess their self-worth based on the presence of that "not-so-fresh feeling" (I'm pretty sure that's Summer's Eve advertising lingo right there) as opposed to, you know, adding to the company's bottom line, or recruiting excellent staff, or just doing a kickass job each and every day at work. And nothing makes you feel like you can play at the same level as the boys like being reminded that you really ought to clean it up so you can feel just as good as the guy in the next office who, like most guys, doesn't even remember to shave on a daily basis.
This is probably the lamest ad I've ever seen. It's especially lame that it's popping up on a day commemorating women getting the vote (be sure to wash before you dig out that voter card this November, girls!). I'm tempted to stomp my feet and say "I'll never buy Summer's Eve again," except I can't say I've ever bought anything they produce before.
Oh well. There goes my pay raise next year. [intro]